Fresh Air

My mood has been shaky over the past several days due to the understanding that my honeymoon phase with Haiti is O-V-E-R. Real life has begun and I have noticed an odd thing I do. I feel like I spend a lot of time either reminiscing about the past or dreaming about the future. I do NOT think this is a bad thing at all but too much can inhibit present life. It is easy for me when things become "mundane" and "boring" to put more attention and focus on the past but moreso on the future. I'd like to share a written journal entry of mine from a few days back:

"Hunger is a bizarre thing. It leads to delirium, which is a non-stop unfed ticket to loony town with a local loony band playing the local looney tunes... I feel like a pregnant woman yearning for food. A Publix sub with Boarshead meat, grilled lemon zest shrimp, my grandmama's macaroni and cheese, all capped of with a giant glass of ice-cold blue-capped milk! Right now its hard being here. I'm hungry. I'm bored. I feel like a Haitian. Except, Haitians are never bored, they continually move about occupying themselves with mindless work, which I have come to find is better than a workless mind.

Pascal said, "Man's greatest misery is to be alone with his thoughts" yet here I am alone with my thoughts. I am thinking about movies that will be coming out soon that I want to see, when Daft Punk is coming back to tour in America and salivating over would be food... To do was a tough day on the mission field... 

Th-t-t-th-th-That's All Folks..."

I write that to show I am not living in a fantasy utopia world here. Flying high- having every single thing you could ever want to crash landing- having the basic necessities to survive is not easy. It has been a fascinating and revealing time here thus far. I am learning so much about myself out here in the wilderness. I am not as tough as I once thought I was. I have trouble being content. Just when I feel myself begin to drift, feeling like maybe this all might be too much- God sends a fresh restorative breath.

My breath came in the form of a jumbo sized mentos freshness named Charles. He came back from Canada Saturday. He and his family are moving back into our (his) house. We talked Saturday night and shared ideas and laughter. He prayed for us and I just felt a calming sensation come over me. Like the Spirit reminding me that this journey I have been lead on is bigger than me. When I feel bored or unsatisfied, that is a great indication I am making this, my life, about me.

Life, in the grandest sense, is a paradox. To live an extraordinary life of tall tales, profound adventures and tested friendships- I have to give it away. My life cannot be my own. When I make it about me, I'm bored and waiting for the next vacation that will again ultimately never satisfy. But when I let go, live and love in the grace and freedom of Christ, life becomes far less complicated and far more fulfilling. Like a big ol' joy filled donut. Now that's something I can eat here everyday.